Fractured Hope (Undone Series Book 4) Read online

  I wished I didn’t know so deeply how that felt.

  I never saw movement from the windows or outside. The only time I saw her was when she got in David’s car or when she left on her own. She didn’t need a babysitter. She needed a life, but who was I to talk? The house was silent and empty, even when she was in it. There was a swing set in the backyard that went unused. The only company she ever had was David and the redhead who came with him. I shook my head, clearing her from my thoughts. I’d keep an eye on the house when I got the chance, but I wasn’t going out of my way for someone who had clearly given up on living.

  I went back outside to clear the sidewalk again before the kids walked home. The roads were covered and it was too dangerous for them to walk on. It was a lot easier to clear now than it was this morning. I had finished in front of my house and was working on my neighbor’s when the kids came toward me.

  “Hey, man,” a kid said as he walked by me. He did the chin lift. He trudged through the snow to the clear part of the sidewalk. Two little girls followed a ways behind him and eyed me on the sidewalk. When they got to the driveway, they slowed a bit as though they weren’t sure if they should continue on the sidewalk or if they should go to the street.

  “This way, Callie,” the younger girl said. She grabbed her friend’s hand and walked toward the street.

  “You can walk on the sidewalk,” I said, stepping to the side so they had plenty of room to pass. They both studied me, not sure whether to try going around me or not. I was proud of their wariness of strange men. While still holding hands, they walked toward me, though slowly and cautiously. I smiled and stayed still, not wanting to give them any reason to doubt me. When they got closer, Callie stuck her tiny chin up in the air and marched forward. Unfortunately, her friend wasn’t prepared and they both slipped and fell into the snow. Callie scrambled up, sliding on the slick pavement. I moved forward, helping them both get to their feet.

  “Are you okay?” I asked as they both brushed snow off themselves. Callie’s friend had tears in her eyes.

  “I hurt my hand,” the little girl said, holding up her palm. There was a scrape with a little bit of blood coming from it.

  “Why don’t I walk you home? Make sure you get there safe,” I offered.

  “Mama said not to talk to strangers,” Callie said.

  “Your mom is very smart; you shouldn’t. I’m a fireman, though. I help people. I just want you to get home safe. It’s slippery out here.”

  “Are you really a fireman?” Callie asked. I nodded. “Well, okay. Hannah and I live down here.” She pointed. We walked. Callie and her friend were quiet. I was, too. I wasn’t sure what all to say to them, but I didn’t want to freak them out. They were clearly unsure about walking with me. I didn’t want to make it worse by coming off as a creep. “This is our house.” They were only four houses past mine, so it wasn’t too far, anyway. I walked them to the front door. “Mama! We’re home!” Callie called out.

  “Oh, girls.” A woman came toward the door. Her hair was pulled back in a messy bun, though it still stuck up everywhere. She had a baby on her hip and she looked exhausted. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it to get you today. Nick just threw up everywhere.” She pushed her glasses back up her nose. “Oh, hi,” she said when she saw me. Her free hand fluttered over her hair.

  “I was outside shoveling the sidewalk when they slipped and fell. I just wanted to make sure they got home safe.”

  “I hurted my hand, Mama,” Hannah said as she held up her hand.

  “Oh, sweet girl. We’ll clean it up.” She motioned the girls inside. “Thank you so much. I usually walk them home, but the baby threw up and it’s been one crisis after another. Callie is probably old enough to walk home on her own; she’s eight, and it’s not that far. I just worry about Hannah. She’s only in kindergarten.”

  I chuckled at her rambling. “It was no worry. I wanted to make sure they didn’t fall and get hurt. The weather is getting bad out here.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate it so much.”

  “No problem.” I waved and walked back home to finish the sidewalk.

  So much for more rest before my shift.

  As I put the shovel away in the garage, I saw movement in my neighbor’s house for the first time, as though someone moved quickly away from the window.

  * * *

  “Yo, Roman. Throw it here,” Scottie called, holding his hands out. I tossed the sandwich into his outstretched hands and we chowed down. We hadn’t had a break since I started my shift four hours ago and we needed to eat while we had the chance. “That shit was crazy.” He licked mayo off his finger.

  “I’ve seen crazier,” I muttered.

  Scottie grinned. “I forgot, I’m working with Roman I’ve-seen-it-all-and-I’m-never-fazed.”

  I flipped him off. Working as a fire medic for five years, I had seen my fair share of shit. Tonight, I was working a twenty-four-hour shift on an ambulance. I’d be off for forty-eight, then back on a fire engine. I got the best, and worst, of both worlds. I was a paramedic and a firefighter.

  Little did he know that I wasn’t fazed because I had seen a lot in my years on the job. One call in particular had been . . . brutal. It changed the way I viewed the job. I liked helping people. I hated the jobs where I was too late to make a difference. That’s when it was hard to fight through a shift.

  “Seriously, Roman. When that chick started screaming and thrashing around, you can’t tell me you didn’t almost shit yourself.”

  “I didn’t shit myself; I worked to get her to calm the fuck down.” Scottie’s eagerness was often annoying. I reminded myself that he hadn’t seen everything I had. I’d seen things that ruined lives, hearts, and souls. I’d seen things that changed my life forever. Things that guaranteed I’d never be the same.

  “Which you did. With a sleepy shot.” A shit-eating grin spread across his face.

  Scottie was a good guy, but fairly new on the job. Everything was new and exciting to him, whereas I wanted him to just shut the fuck up so I could eat this sandwich and close my eyes for a few minutes. I had another twenty hours before I could go home, and this guy was exhausting.

  The radio crackled with another call. I sighed, shoved the last of my sandwich in my mouth, and got in my seat.

  “Let’s get this shit done!” Scottie yelled, backing out of the parking space. Details trickled out and it sounded as though we were being called to an elderly lady’s home for shortness of breath.

  Hopefully, I wouldn’t have to sedate her to get her to the hospital.

  After several more calls, no sleep, and no breaks, I headed home. When I climbed my front steps, I found a plastic container resting against my door. Once I was inside, I peeled the lid off the container. The inside was layered with chocolate chip cookies. I ate one, surprised at how delicious it was. I ate a few more, hoping they weren’t laced with poison, but they tasted far too good for that. I set the container on the kitchen counter and dragged myself upstairs to get a shower and then head for bed. But where did the cookies come from? It couldn’t be a neighborhood welcoming project; I’d already lived here over six months. The only thing I could think of was the girl next door. My bedroom faced her house and I gazed at it a few seconds. If she was in bad shape, was she really able to make cookies? I shrugged and climbed into bed. I didn’t have the mental power to figure it out right now. I needed sleep and lots of it.

  CHAPTER 3

  Mia

  LIFE CONTINUED. WINTER TURNED TO spring, and with it, the world filled with hope. Birds sang. Flowers sprouted buds. The air turned warmer and the sun shone brighter and for longer. People went outside for walks and waved as they passed neighbors.

  I sat in my kitchen, gripping a cup of coffee and stared at a wall. This was the last step in getting ready to go to the hospital. That was my life. Get up, get ready, go to the hospital, go to work, back to the hospital, drag myself home, go to bed. Get up. Repeat. My life was void of hope. Gia was still com
atose. Her pressure sores went away and the antibiotics fought the infection, but how long until another complication arose? There was not a single thing that indicated she was getting better. Her scans stayed the same. Her condition stayed the same.

  My life was stuck at a standstill.

  At the hospital, I sat in my usual chair. I picked up Gia’s tiny hand and held it, wishing I could feel her squeeze back. I didn’t cry. I’d exhausted tears over the last year. I had nothing else to give. I closed my eyes against the pain that crashed through my heart, my body, my soul. It hit me every time I saw her tiny, seemingly lifeless body. The pain left behind a terrible numbness. I’d prayed for it to come and it had. I wasn’t sure which was worse, the pain of the loneliness and fear or the empty echoing of the numbness.

  “Gia, Mommy’s here,” I said, my voice cracking. “Last night a hummingbird came to the feeder you and I made. Do you remember that? It was beautiful. It had a bright red throat and an emerald colored back.” I swallowed past the lump. The tears wouldn’t come, but my body still responded as though I were sobbing. “You would have loved it. I watched it until it flew away.” I took a few deep breaths hoping to steady myself. “I could picture you there, clapping and dancing around, happy that a little bird was getting food. I hope another bird comes back today.” I sighed and steadied myself. Talking to her was getting harder. I wanted her to come back to me. I wanted her to open her eyes and smile.

  What if that never happened?

  “Mia, it’s good to see you,” Heather said, smiling as she came in the room. She’d been Gia’s nurse and was one of my favorites.

  “It’s been a while.” Heather had just come back from maternity leave. I forced a smile, though it felt as if it didn’t belong on my face.

  Heather sat in the chair on the other side of Gia’s bed. “What have you been up to?”

  “I’m still working at David’s shop. And I’ve been here. That’s it.” I worked as a receptionist of sorts at my brother’s car shop. He restored classic cars. I knew nothing about that side of the business, but I ordered parts and scheduled appointments. I also helped David with his ever-expanding schedule. His clientele was getting more and more famous and he had to go visit them before they’d hire him. His business, and personal life, were soaring to new heights. He was happy, though Gia’s condition weighed on him and prevented him from ever truly being happy.

  Heather’s eyes filled with sorrow. “You have nothing else going on? The hospital and work?”

  “What do you think I should be doing? Going out partying? Drinking? Not being here by my baby’s side?”

  Heather’s lips pressed into a flat line and she nodded. Her eyes went to the window as though she couldn’t handle looking at me anymore. We sat in silence. I rubbed Gia’s tiny hand. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Heather. I hated the pity I saw in everyone’s eyes.

  “Well, I have to get back to my rounds. It was good to see you.” Heather stood. I met her eyes and saw her forced smile. I nodded and she turned and left the room.

  “Oh, baby girl. I don’t know how to not be here with you.” I stroked her limp hair. I wiped some drool off the side of her mouth. She didn’t respond. She never responded. The doctors all told me that wasn’t a good sign. They told me several months ago that her brain was too damaged. If she ever woke up, she’d likely never function on her own. They told me to consider taking her off life support.

  How does a mother choose to end her child’s life? I hadn’t figured that out yet. So, instead, my life revolved around her nearly lifeless one.

  I spent time with my baby girl until the sadness pressed on my chest and I could barely breathe. I kissed her goodbye and left. I’d be back in the evening after work.

  My life revolved in this endless circle.

  I saw no end in sight.

  * * *

  “Roxie, I understand, okay? I get it. But I don’t know how to not be at the hospital. I need to be there. I need to be there if she opens her eyes or starts waking up,” I said. Roxie called not too long ago, lecturing me that I needed a life outside of work and the hospital. It felt as though everyone were ganging up on me today, trying to get me to abandon Gia.

  “You do need to be there; absolutely. You need to spend time with her and talk to her and love on her. At the same time, you need to love on you a little bit, too. You need something to live for, Mia. You need some good in your life.” I sighed. She was constantly on this crusade. Be at the hospital, but do things for myself at the same time. “Please, Mia. You’re wasting away. You’ve lost more weight. You have huge circles under your eyes, and your skin is so pale it’s practically see-through. Please. I’m scared for you.”

  In truth, I barely ate. I barely slept. I barely did anything. I crawled into bed at night and relived every decision that led me to this point. One baby dead. One baby slipping through my fingers, no matter how hard I tried to hold on to her. I thought about Brock and how stupid I was to let him drive that night, how stupid I was to stay with him.

  Stupid, stupid, stupid was the constant refrain in my mind.

  “I’ll eat more. I’ll try to sleep more.”

  Roxie sighed heavily, clearly not happy but knowing she’d never convince me otherwise. “Okay. Why don’t you come out with us tonight? The girls and I are heading out for dinner and some girl time. You should come too.”

  “I’ll think about it,” I lied. I rarely joined them. That was time I could spend at Gia’s side.

  “Okay. I’ll talk to you later and see if you’re coming. I’ll pick you up.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I love you,” she whispered. I could hear the pain in her voice. She really did care about me and want the best for me. I didn’t know what to do about it. I couldn’t abandon Gia.

  “I love you, too.”

  We hung up and I got ready to go to the hospital.

  * * *

  I hummed as I slightly adjusted Gia’s pillows. I didn’t need to do that since she didn’t move, but I needed to feel useful. I felt so completely useless I feared I’d go insane. I had bought some sunflowers and had them in a vase next to Gia’s bed. She couldn’t see them, but I hoped they would somehow boost her spirits.

  Truthfully, I needed her to wake up more than I needed my next breath. I’d do anything to get her to open her eyes and call me Mama.

  A knock sounded on the door and a doctor pushed his way inside. “Mia, I’m so glad I caught you here.”

  I forced a smile. Where did he expect me to be?

  “Hi, Dr. Brendon. How are you?”

  “Good, good.” He looked down at the papers stuck in his clipboard and flipped through them. “Have a seat, Mia. We need to have a talk.”

  My heart sank. Did something happen? Was there a change in her condition? I sat and Dr. Brendon loomed over me, looking through those damned papers.

  “I’m concerned about you, Mia. You’re here more often than you’re not. You don’t look healthy, and I swear, every time I see you, you’re thinner.”

  “I’m eating.” I wrung my hands in my lap, not sure what to say. I felt I needed to defend myself to everyone these days.

  “It’s more than eating. You need a life, Mia. You need to take care of you so you can take care of Gia. You need a life outside of this place.” I narrowed my eyes, trying to understand what he was really saying. “Your life won’t always revolve around the hospital, and then what? You won’t have friends or family to surround yourself with. You need a support system, Mia.”

  The words he wasn’t saying crashed into me. When Gia was gone, I needed people around me to keep me from crumbling.

  “I have friends and family.”

  “That’s true, but you’re here. Always. It’s been brought to my attention that you aren’t living; you’re existing. Gia needs you to be strong. She needs you to take care of yourself so you have something to offer her. Right now, you’re so run down, you can’t offer her the strength she needs.”

&n
bsp; “Are you saying I’m hurting my daughter?”

  “Absolutely not. I’m suggesting that you’re exhausted. You have nothing outside of this room. Spend a few hours a day doing something you like, something you enjoy. Then, you’ll have something to fall back on.”

  “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

  He sighed and moved the papers to his side. “We’ve discussed that Gia’s nonresponsive. The responses she used to have, they’ve faded over time. We’ve talked about how much damage has been done to her brain. The prospects aren’t good, Mia. You need to prepare yourself, either way. If she wakes, she’ll need around-the-clock care. You need to have something in your life to keep your sanity.”

  Around-the-clock care. The words hit me like a freight train loaded with explosives. If she woke and wasn’t her, what was the point? I didn’t want her to be trapped inside her body. I wanted her to live. She had so much life in her before . . . Tears burned my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. I dug my nails into my palms, trying to remain calm.

  “Are you saying my daughter’s chances of a normal life are nonexistent?”

  Dr. Brendon sat down in the chair across from me. “Medically speaking, there isn’t much indicating she’ll make a full recovery. Miracles happen, though. You need to prepare yourself for anything.”

  “I don’t know how to prepare myself for a world where she isn’t in it.” My voice broke with emotion as my eyes rested on Gia’s face.

  “I’m not saying she won’t wake up, Mia. As I said, anything can happen. I’m merely saying you need to take care of you. Eat more. Sleep more. Spend some time outside of this hospital. You need to. For yourself. For Gia. For the people who love and care about you.”

  I nodded. “Thank you, doctor.”

  He slipped from the room. I took in the sight of Gia. The feeding tube. The IVs. The body swallowed by the bed. The monitors and wires and cables that kept my baby alive. I tore my eyes away and pulled my phone out to send a text.