Heartfelt Lies Read online

  Tears swam in her eyes as she looked at me. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

  I kissed her forehead and pulled her close. “That’s a shame, because you deserve to have sweet things done for you all the time.”

  She smiled and I moved closer to kiss her, wanting to pour my heart out to her. Instead, though, I got slapped on the arm.

  “Open, Jax! Trains!”

  I chuckled and kissed Cassandra’s nose instead, then turned to Ben and tore apart the packaging.

  “How were you able to afford all of this?” Cassie asked, gazing at the elegant calligraphy on a certificate stating that I was treating her to a spa day in a couple of weeks. “I know you don’t make that much at the gas station.”

  Guilt stabbed me square in the gut, making me kind of queasy. I didn’t want her to know how I earned the extra money. She didn’t need to be tarnished with that. “I’ve been saving for months. Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy it.”

  She looked at me, studying my face as though she was hoping to catch me in a lie. I grinned at her, hoping it would throw her off her trail of suspicion. It must have worked because she smiled back and climbed off the floor. She went and hung the voucher on the fridge so she wouldn’t lose it.

  Seeing how much she was looking forward to it, even if she was quiet about it, made all of it worthwhile. Keeping that smile on her face would justify every illegal thing I did.

  For the next few hours I sat with Ben and helped him set up the table and all the tracks. We played with the trains while Cassandra got ready. After she was done, she got Ben ready to go, and then we headed to my sister’s house.

  WE HAD ARRIVED at Ry and Will’s place about an hour ago. Jax had a beer and I had a glass of wine, which felt as if I was indulging in something illegal. Since it sucked to drink alone and felt weird when I was the only one taking care of Ben I rarely drank, but today I decided to relax a bit.

  Ry was finishing up the dinner she had prepared and Jax was checking his phone every few seconds. His mom was supposed to be here earlier, but she hadn’t shown up yet. She also hadn’t answered her phone. It was making Jax nervous and on edge. He was pacing and running his hands through his hair almost constantly. Ry didn’t seem as concerned as Jax, though I could tell she wasn’t happy. Will’s Aunt Liv was trying to keep the tension down by talking and playing with Ben. Jax seemed to get more and more upset as time went on. By the time we sat down to dinner, I was worried he would explode.

  As we ate, Ben talked more than usual about his morning and all the presents he got. He had brought some of his trains with him so he would have something to play with. He was describing all the trains as best he could and I was impressed. He was usually quiet. Apparently, the excitement of Christmas had caused him to open up.

  “Do you think you could show me your trains after dinner, Ben? I’ve been wanting to get a few trains for myself,” Will said.

  Ben’s eyes widened in excitement. “Yes!”

  “Eat your dinner and then we’ll go look at them, okay?”

  Ben nodded enthusiastically. Ben picked up a bite of ham off his plate and popped it into his mouth. He chewed it quickly before putting another piece in his mouth. Usually he picked at his food and didn’t eat too much, but Will must have inspired him. Jax checked his phone again and sighed, clearly agitated. He quickly drained the rest of his beer before getting up and grabbing another.

  “You know, Jax, Ben reminds me a lot of you when you were a kid,” Liv said. She must have sensed the growing anxiety and tension.

  Jax looked up at her. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. You were obsessed with your cars and army men, though. You had to take a car everywhere with you, preferably one in each hand.”

  “I remember that!” Ry exclaimed as though she had just been reminded of the memory. “You had a blue race car and a red truck that were your favorites.”

  Liv smiled. “Yes. I can’t remember their names, though.” She furrowed her eyebrows and pursed her lips, seemingly in deep thought.

  “Charlie and Racer,” Jax said, though it came out somewhat reluctantly.

  “That’s it,” Liv said, smiling. “And you used to set up army men everywhere. I was constantly stepping on them and you’d get mad and declare me the enemy.”

  Ry laughed. “Usually it was my Barbies that were the enemy.”

  “They looked unnatural,” Jax said, shrugging.

  “That’s right. You hated the sparkly dresses Ry had them in.” Liv laughed.

  “They ruined the mood. The men were fighting to the death and in walked Malibu Barbie, all heels and sparkly pink dress, hanging out with Ken at the mall. Barbie ruined everything.”

  Jax acted like this conversation was completely normal as he buttered a roll. We all howled with laughter, and I loved how relaxed Jax seemed, especially with his mother’s whereabouts hanging over us. He looked over at me, with tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing, and smirked. I leaned over and kissed him briefly. When I pulled away, I caught Liv’s eye. She looked so happy.

  We continued eating and laughing, Liv sharing stories of Ry, Will, and Jax. I’d missed this family atmosphere over the years. It wasn’t a traditional family, but there was a lot of love between them.

  When there was a lull in the conversation, Jax checked his phone again and tension filled the room. Again.

  “It’s okay, Jax. Something probably came up. Maybe she had to work,” Ry said, obviously trying to placate him.

  “No, I don’t think that’s it,” he responded.

  “Was her store closed today? I thought they stayed open?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Did she mention anything?”

  “No.” Jax was getting more upset by the second. I wanted to say something to calm him, but I wasn’t sure what. I had never seen him this upset.

  “We’ll figure it out, okay?” Liv said, putting her hand on top of his and squeezing.

  “I’ll call the store and see if she’s there,” Ry said. She picked up her phone, and Jax’s head sprang up with his eyes wide, almost as if he was panicking. His eyes stayed glued to Ry as she was on the phone. “Hey, I was calling to see if my mom was in today,” Ry said into the phone. “Leslie Miller.” Her brow furrowed and she turned her attention to Jax. “Thank you. Bye.” She hung up the phone and put it on the table. “Did you know Mom lost her job, Jax?” He stayed silent and his eyes remained huge, as though he was caught. Ry studied him for a few seconds longer. “Why didn’t you tell me, Jax? Don’t you think I deserved to know?”

  “She begged me not to tell you. She was afraid you’d be disappointed in her.”

  “I’m not disappointed. I’m worried. She hasn’t relapsed, has she? I thought she stopped drinking.”

  “She has, I think. She hasn’t had any alcohol in the house whenever I go over, and she doesn’t seem drunk or hungover.”

  “Where is she working now?” Jax fidgeted, not meeting Ry’s eyes. They were in a standoff and Ry was winning. It seemed Ry could read Jax’s body language well because her lips set in a grim line. “What’s going on, Jax?”

  “Nothing. She’s just having a rough time.”

  “They said she was fired over two months ago. How long has this rough time been going on?”

  “She’s fine. I’m handling it.”

  Will stood up from the table. “Want to show me those trains now, Ben?” Ben nodded and he grabbed Ben’s hand take him into the living room. I stayed there, watching Ry and Jax back and forth as though it were a ball game. I felt frozen to the chair.

  “How are you handling it, Jax? It seems to me that everything is falling apart,” Ry said.

  “It’s not falling apart. I’ve got it handled,” Jax huffed.

  “Okay, let’s see. Our mother lost her job,” Ry said, holding up one finger, ticking off the things that were going on. “Our mother hasn’t gotten a new job. You got put on academic probation. You also lost your job. How
the fuck have you got it handled?”

  “Ry,” Liv said, but Ry cut her off with an icy glare. I fell back in my chair as though I had been slapped and Jax’s eyes flew to me. I had no idea Jax had lost his job or that he’d been put on academic probation at school. That seemed like a very serious omission to me. Before I could get any words out, Ry spoke up again.

  “Are you fucking kidding me, Jax? Cassie doesn’t even know what’s been going on?”

  “I was going to tell her,” he replied, his eyes still locked on me.

  “When? After you were kicked out of school?” Ry huffed. “I’m sorry, Cassie. You didn’t deserve to find out this way.”

  I couldn’t even formulate words. He’d been lying to me? I scoured my memory. Had he given me any indication that he wasn’t working or going to classes? I couldn’t think of a single thing. Sure, he hadn’t mentioned having to work and he was over more, but I brushed it off. He kept telling me he could make up classwork from when he watched Ben while I worked extra shifts. Really, I hadn’t stopped working more. I was still picking up more hours since I was trying to save for Christmas and make sure I could still cover all my mandatory bills. I guessed I was too focused on that and missed the signs that he wasn’t working or going to class.

  But how had he afforded the E-reader and the spa day? I had specifically asked him and he said he’d been saving for it. How was he saving when he clearly didn’t have a job? And why did he feel the need to lie to me? I felt glued to my chair with my thoughts racing, unable to think of a response. I wasn’t sure if there even was a proper response. Silence had fallen and Ry and Jax’s eyes were glued on me, waiting for my reaction. My mouth flopped open and closed, as though I was speaking words that weren’t coming.

  “I need to go to the bathroom,” I said, pushing away from the table, finally able to get my body and mouth working. I made my way into the bathroom and shut the door, leaning against the sink to catch my breath. I pressed my hand to my mouth and sank to my knees to stop my food from coming up my throat. I closed my eyes.

  It wasn’t just that he lied to me about losing his job and getting put on probation, it started me worrying what else he was lying about. What was he doing when he was supposed to be in school and at work? I had given him my whole heart and all of me. I was afraid I’d be left crushed and brokenhearted.

  Someone tapped on the bathroom door. “I’ll be there in a minute,” I called.

  “Cassandra, please let me in,” Jax said. I debated whether to let him in, and decided to hear him out. I opened the door and let him in. He shut it behind him and pulled me into a hug. The smell of cigarettes and beer both comforted me and made me nauseated. “I’m so sorry, Cassandra. I’m such an asshole.” I nodded. “My mom has been going through a lot of shit and I ended up having to go up there a lot.” That much I knew was true. He hadn’t been over as much lately because he was up with his mom.

  “Is there anything else I should know? Any other lies? Half-truths?” I asked into his chest. His arms were still wrapped tightly around me, as though he was afraid I’d disappear.

  “No, nothing. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was embarrassed. What kind of loser loses his job and gets put on academic probation?” He sounded really upset and disappointed in himself. I couldn’t lie. I was upset and disappointed myself. “This isn’t me, Cassandra. I’m not a loser. I hoped I could turn shit around and you wouldn’t have to find out about it. I’m going to work my ass off next semester and I’m still looking for a job. I don’t want to let you down.”

  I pulled away from him, needing to know one thing. I could brush this off as a stressful semester, which I knew it was. He had been helping me out a lot and he’d been helping out his mom. I was hurt that he lied to me and didn’t tell me what was going on, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I just needed one more answer. I looked into his eyes, wanting to see if he was being sincere with me. “Are you cheating on me?” My heart raced. I was terrified of this answer.

  “No, Cassandra. No.” He took my face between his hands and stooped down so he could look in my eyes. “I’m not cheating on you. I love you with all my heart. There isn’t anyone else I see. Only you.” He pressed his lips to mine. It was a chaste kiss, not full of our usual passion. I wrapped my arms around him and dropped my head to his chest.

  “No more lies, Jax. No more half-truths or secrets.”

  “Okay,” he said. I felt him nodding against the top of my head.

  “Let’s go out. Ben’s probably anxious for presents.”

  Jax chuckled. “Yeah. He was begging to open stuff up.”

  I opened the door and walked out into the hall. Jax followed behind me, holding my hand. When Ry saw us, she smiled. I smiled back, letting her know there were no hard feelings. I didn’t blame Ry. Jax should have been honest with me.

  I headed to the living room and sat down while Jax went into the kitchen to grab another beer. Then we opened presents. I was surprised that Ry and Will had so many presents for Ben. Apparently, my little man had made an impression on them. After we had opened presents, Jax’s phone rang. He looked at the display and immediately walked into the kitchen. I watched him, wondering who it was. He talked quietly and nodded several times. His shoulders visibly relaxed. After a few minutes, he came back into the living room and sat down.

  “That was Mom,” he said. “She said she came down with a stomach bug and ended up sleeping through the day. She was too sick this morning to call and let you know she wasn’t coming. She said she’s really sorry and we’ll have to get together soon to exchange presents and hang out.”

  “I’m glad she’s okay,” Ry said.

  “Me too,” Jax said. The conversation went on and I could tell Jax was a lot calmer now that he knew his mom was okay. Eventually talk turned to Ry and Will’s wedding. They were planning to get married next fall and things were going well. They had booked a venue and Ry had found a dress she absolutely loved. She wanted to show me, so she pulled me into her bedroom. She hadn’t picked the dress up from the store, so she only had a picture in a magazine.

  “I wanted to apologize to you. I never would have said that stuff about Jax if I knew you had no clue,” she said.

  “I know you wouldn’t have. I was just caught off guard. It never occurred to me that he would lie to me, you know?”

  “I’m amazed myself.” She looked down at the magazine in her hand. “I know he loves you, Cassandra. I’ve never seen him this way. He’s normally guarded and almost aloof. With you, he’s different. More open. He’s happier. I know he wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize your relationship.”

  “We talked about it and it’s okay. I think I was just blindsided.”

  “We all were. I know something’s going on with our mom. I have no idea what it is and Jax has been pretty tight-lipped. I just hope it isn’t too severe. His focus should be on school, not saving her.”

  From what Jax had told me, Ry still held on to some resentment toward their mom. She didn’t understand how she could have abandoned her own kids, but Ry wanted a relationship with her, so she usually pushed it aside. She clearly wasn’t happy about Jax messing up his own life to help her sort out her own.

  “He’s just trying to do the best he can.”

  “I know he is, but I hate to see him struggling.”

  “Me, too.”

  She smiled sadly and then opened the magazine to show me the dress. It was slim-fitting and covered in lace. The sleeves were off-the-shoulder. Though it was modern, there was something very classic about it. “Ry, that dress is perfect.”

  “Thanks. I think so, too.”

  We spent a few minutes talking about wedding details before heading out to the living room with the boys.

  IT HAD BEEN two months since I walked away from Nolan. I was finally living life the way I wanted to. I’d stopped pleasing people and was doing what was best for me and my son.

  My heart still ached, but I was moving.
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  A few weeks ago I moved out of my mom’s house and into my own townhouse with Ben. He was back at school and I was working. It had only been a month since we moved here, but we were all unpacked and settled in our quaint new two bedroom home. The kitchen was big enough for a table and the living room was a decent size. The basement was finished so I could put Ben’s toys down there.

  Of course, when I moved in Roxie gave me a housewarming gift.—a black pillow with cream lettering on it that said, “Sisters will always pick you up after you fall, but will laugh at you first.” She laughed crazily when she gave it to me, reminding me that she had picked my ass up after the wedding disaster and forced my stinky ass to shower. The pillow was proudly displayed on my couch.

  This was the first place I had lived on my own since I moved back home from Fairfax, and it was amazing to have my own space. When I moved back home with my mom and sister a few years ago, I stayed with them while I went back to school for a nursing degree. They were a huge help with Ben. My mom and sister could get him to and from daycare or school if I had class, plus they were great at entertaining him if I had homework.

  I moved right from my mom’s to living with Nolan, so this was really the first time I had been on my own in years. It was good to get back to basics, so to speak, with just Ben and me. Between work, Ben, his homework, and housework, I had no time to do anything and I liked it. I liked being busy.

  I was adjusting to my life after Nolan well enough. It was hard to go from living in a house with my sister and mother to a house with Nolan and now on my own with Ben, but I knew in my heart that it was the right move. Change was always hard, but it was necessary. I needed to make my own life right before I could move forward, and that’s what I was doing. I was moving forward, even if I was alone.

  I was in the car on my way to work when my phone rang. Looking down, I saw that it was Ry. I picked it up, wondering why she was calling me. I hadn’t heard from her since the wedding. “Hey,” I said.