Heartfelt Lies Read online

  We were sitting at the table and my sister was talking about her job and a tough case that she’d had this week. Will had excused himself to the bathroom and Cassandra was listening to my sister, though she had a faraway look in her eyes. I hated to see her so upset. It felt like I was watching her heart break.

  Will came down the hall and was fidgeting. I raised an eyebrow in question and his eyes darted away. A hush fell over the room as Will dropped down to one knee in front of Ry. My mom gasped, Cassandra stiffened, and Ry’s eyes filled with tears as her hands flew to cover her mouth.

  “I know we talked about waiting a few more years, but I can’t. I don’t want to wait for our life to start together, Ry. I want to start my future with you now. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember and you’re the only person I see. There’s no one else, just you.” He cleared his throat and looked briefly at all of us watching. “Will you marry me, Ryanne?”

  Ry was quiet for a few long seconds before she sprang from her chair and jumped on Will, kissing his face fiercely. “Yes, yes, I’ll marry you!” she exclaimed between kisses on his face. My mom burst into tears and Cassandra sat next to me, her spine stiff. Liv was hugging Will and congratulating Ry. I hugged Ry and slapped Will on the back, genuinely happy for them. They were perfect together, and if anyone deserved to be happy and together, it was the two of them.

  When things quieted down and Ry was showing her ring off to my mom, Cassandra excused herself to the bathroom. I tried to ask her if everything was okay, but she just gave me a quick smile and ducked away.

  When she came back, she fussed with Ry over the ring, but her motions seemed off. She seemed withdrawn and for the rest of the night she was completely silent and didn’t even attempt to interact. I wondered what was wrong.

  At one point, Ben put on a whole train show for us. He, of course, had brought trains along to play with so he had them explore all over the apartment. Will and I each grabbed one and chased after him. He giggled wildly and fell over. I went over and blew raspberries on his stomach and he laughed.

  “Jax!” he yelled.

  “I got you, bud! You can’t escape now!”

  “Jax!”

  I continued tickling him and blowing raspberries on his stomach which caused him to laugh. When I stood up, I picked Ben up and rubbed the top of his head. Ry’s eyes were soft as they looked at me, and Cassandra looked close to tears again.

  A little later, we said our goodbyes to my family and then headed home. She sat and stared out the window. Ben fell asleep. At her apartment, I carried Ben up and tucked him into bed. When I came out to the living room, she was sitting on the couch, staring at the picture again. I didn’t say anything, I just sat next to her and gathered her in my arms. As soon as her head rested against my chest, she started crying. It was quiet at first, her shoulders shaking with the effort to hold the sobs in. Soon, though, she completely fell apart. She clung to me and sobbed loudly, soaking my shirt with her tears.

  After several long, agonizing minutes, she calmed down, but she still clutched me. I ran my hand soothingly over her back. “What’s wrong, Cassandra? You’re worrying me.”

  She straightened her back and wiped her face off with her hand. “I’m sorry. I’m just a mess.”

  “You’re a beautiful mess,” I said, smiling at her. She smiled a little. “Tell me what’s got you so sad.”

  She sighed and rested her head against my chest again. “I miss my family. Every other holiday, it’s just been Ben and me. Spending today with your family made me realize I won’t ever have that.”

  “What happened with your family?”

  “So much. Everything.” She was quiet, staring at the picture again. It was slightly crinkled from being pressed between us when she cried. “I have a sister named Roxie. She’s nineteen now, probably finishing her first semester at college. I don’t know what school or what she’s studying, but she’s smart enough to do anything.” I gave her a few minutes to gather her thoughts. She seemed to be struggling hard with this. “We were best friends. Most sisters fight about clothing and everything, but not us. We shared clothes and friends, and we hardly ever fought.”

  “Is that her in the picture?”

  “Yeah. She’s two years younger than me, though she looks like my twin, huh?”

  “That’s what I was thinking.”

  “It was amazing how much we looked alike. It used to freak people out. She got the better body, though.”

  I chuckled softly and squeezed her. “I love your body just the way it is.”

  She laughed, though it was quiet. “I know you do.”

  “Why don’t you call her?”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “When I went away to college, everything changed. I guess I should start before that. Before I left for school, I had a boyfriend. We were together for a little over six months, but decided to break up before we went to college. He was heading to California, I was headed to George Mason, and we had no desire to be in a long distance relationship. Little did I know that he was leaving me with a parting gift.” She laughed bitterly. “I found out I was pregnant about a month into school. I freaked out and had no idea what to do. I knew my parents wouldn’t be happy. My dad’s a mayor in a small town and he’s really conservative. Abstinence until marriage and all of that. I wasn’t even supposed to have a boyfriend at all, but my mom convinced him somehow.”

  “Sounds tough.”

  “It was. I mean, I loved my parents, but it was tough. The town was small and my dad was like a local celebrity. We had to walk the straight and narrow. Nothing could mess with his campaign.” She sounded bitter. I couldn’t blame her. It sounded awful.

  “When I finally pulled myself together, I called my parents and told them I was pregnant. My dad completely flipped out. He told me that I was not to call or come home again. I had disgraced his name and I was as good as dead to him. Then he hung up.”

  Her voice was shaking by the time she was done talking. I held her tighter, hating that this was hurting her so much. She was able to put up a strong front, but I could tell it was breaking her heart.

  “I was a mess for weeks after that. I lost my family. Losing Roxie hurt more than losing my parents. I thought she’d still call or text or email me. Hell, I would have been happy with a letter. Something that let me know she didn’t hate me, but nothing. Not a damned word.

  “That’s brutal.”

  “It still hurts to this day, but I have to be strong for Ben. He doesn’t deserve all of this. He’s such a sweet boy.”

  “No, he doesn’t.”

  “To make matters worse, when I called Ben’s dad to tell him I was pregnant, he told me to lose his number. I tried to change his mind, though. I called him and texted him. I even took a picture of the ultrasound picture and sent it to him. He never responded. When Ben was born, he asked for a paternity test. When it came back that Ben was his, he signed his rights away. He said he didn’t plan for a baby, so he didn’t want anything to do with him.” She laughed bitterly. “He didn’t plan for a baby? Like I had.”

  “You really lost everyone.”

  “I did. Maria saved me in so many ways. She really stepped up when I had no one.”

  “I’m glad you have her.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Now you have me, too.”

  She looked up at me, tears swimming in her eyes. “I know I do.”

  “Always. I love you.” I kissed her cheek and then her lips.

  “I love you, too.”

  She rested her head against my chest and I held on to her. If only I could take away her pain and sadness, but I couldn’t. Instead, I would have to be here for her. And I would be.

  Always.

  THINGS HAD OFFICIALLY gone to shit. I was going to parties three or four nights a week with Dylan because I needed the money. So that meant I was getting wasted those three or four nights. I ended up having monstrous hangovers and then missing class, whic
h meant Maria had to help with Ben more. I still watched him in the afternoons, but getting up and going in the mornings was hard as hell.

  Then I lost my job at the gas station because I was always calling off to go to parties with Dylan. I couldn’t afford to work eight hours at the gas station when I could work one party with Dylan and make enough to help support me and my mom. To help make up the difference, I was distributing every day, running little baggies all over campus. So, then I ended up getting drunk in my dorm. I hated all the lies and they were eating me alive. Guilt and lies seemed to be my currency lately.

  I was never going to class because I was either distributing, drunk, hungover, taking money to my mom, or helping Cassandra. And that lead to me getting put on academic probation. Which added another fucking lie to tell Cassandra.

  To make matters even more stressful, Ry was full-on wedding planning. She’d gone with Cassandra to pick out dresses and she’d taken my mom to pick out a mother of the bride dress. That sent my mom into hysterics because she didn’t have the income to pay for a dress or to help Ry with the wedding costs. To calm her down, I told her I’d figure it out, which of course meant distributing more drugs. There was no end to it. I was in a cycle of fucked up and I couldn’t break free.

  I was lying on my dorm bed nursing a can of beer when Dylan came in. “Want to make some big cash tonight?” he asked, grinning widely.

  “What’s going on tonight?”

  “A party. This is a party at a frat house, so we’re talking serious bank. If you help me out, I’ll give you a larger cut.”

  “How much are we talking about?”

  “Seventy-five percent.”

  I raised my eyebrows. Seventy-five percent? How the fuck could he give me that much? Normally I got about thirty percent. I couldn’t really pass this up. “All right, count me in.”

  “Sweet. Get dressed and let’s go.”

  I changed my clothes and Dylan drove us to the party. He handed me a stack of baggies and climbed out of the car. I had a rough idea of how much the drugs were worth since I had been distributing for him more.

  Once inside, we went our separate ways and a guy immediately stopped me. “You work with Dylan, right?”

  “Yeah. You need something?”

  “Got any E?”

  “Let me check.” I went quickly through the bags and found some Ecstasy. I told him they would be twenty-five dollars per pill. He bought four. I handed the drugs over and pocketed the cash.

  By the end of the night I had sold everything I brought in. I found Dylan and passed the money to him. Somehow, he had a way to conceal it. I didn’t ask questions, just handed the money over. I could trust him to give me my portion. When we got back to the dorm, he’d divvy the money up and I’d be able to help my mom out again. Now that the money wasn’t in my pockets anymore, I found a bottle of whiskey and sipped from it. I liked beer, vodka, or any alcohol. But there was something about whiskey that I loved. I loved the way it burned at first and then went down smooth. I loved the way I felt when I was drunk on whiskey.

  It didn’t take long for me to get wasted. I passed out on the floor at some point, only to wake up in the morning by Dylan nudging me.

  “Ready to go, man?”

  “Yeah,” I said. My mouth was dry and my head fucking hurt.

  “We made good money last night.” Dylan grinned. There was something evil about his grin, but I figured it was just my fucking hangover.

  “Awesome.”

  We stepped outside and I squinted in the morning light. When we were in Dylan’s car, I realized we had spent the night at the frat house. Normally we hung out for a little bit after dealing all the drugs and then left. It was strange that we stayed. Dylan was normally too nervous to hang out with all that money. “Why’d we stay last night?”

  “I was mixing a little business with pleasure, if you know what I mean.”

  “Who was the lucky girl?”

  “Cara.”

  I didn’t say anything. I hadn’t liked Cara when we all went out for my birthday, but I figured Dylan could stick his dick in whomever he wanted. As long as I was able to make money with him, I didn’t give a fuck what he did. “Where do the drugs come from?” It had been killing me. I wanted to know where he got them. He was never in short supply.

  “My brother set this whole system up. We have connections and we deal it from there. We have to give a small cut to the person who gives us the drugs, but the rest we keep. The business has been booming, that’s why I brought you on.”

  “Is it like the fucking drug cartel? Am I going to be killed?”

  He chuckled. “No, not a drug cartel. We have connections; that’s all you need to know. They don’t even know I brought you on. I figured it was better that way.”

  Even in my hungover state, I heard the unspoken threat. It was better that the people I was working for didn’t have my identity. I stared out the window and tried to ignore the pit that had just opened in my stomach.

  IT WAS CHRISTMAS day and I was heading over to Cassandra’s to open presents with Ben. Since I had been helping Dylan out, I was able to afford presents for everyone with a little extra for Ben and Cassandra. It was the first time in my life I had a whole family to celebrate with. Sure, my dad was missing, but who needed him?

  This afternoon, we were heading to Ry and Will’s to open presents and spend time with them. My mom was driving down to meet us. It was looking to be a great day. Cassandra was still sad about missing her family, especially her sister, but she put on a good front. I wanted to make sure she knew that I loved her and that I was here for her. I wanted her to know that my family was here for her and that they loved her, too.

  Cassandra had given me a key to her apartment a couple weeks ago, so I let myself in. I heard Ben and Cassandra down the hall, so I hurried and placed my presents under the tree. Then I made my way down the hall until I found Ben jumping on Cassandra, attempting to wake her up. I smiled and leaned against the doorframe, watching them. Cassandra had a huge smile on her face, but she kept her eyes shut and made fake snoring sounds. Ben clearly didn’t get that she was playing around with him, so he kept jumping on her and yelling, “Momma! Get up! It’s Christmas!” Her only response was to snore louder.

  “Do you need help, bud?” I asked. Ben nodded enthusiastically. I pushed away from the wall and climbed on the bed with him. I quickly pulled the covers off her and tickled her. Ben squealed and joined in, attempting to tickle Cassandra’s feet. Within seconds she burst out laughing and her eyes flew open.

  “Okay, okay, okay! I’m up! I’m up!” she said between laughter and trying to catch her breath.

  “Presents!” Ben announced.

  “Let Momma go potty and then we’ll open presents, okay?” she asked.

  “Hurry!”

  “Okay, let me get up, then.”

  I moved to the side and took Ben with me on my hip to wait in the hall. Cassandra had told me she wanted to be in the room before Ben so she could watch his face light up when he saw the tree with the lights on and the presents underneath. I let her go ahead of me and waited for her to sit on the couch. She held her camera up, getting a video of Ben entering the room. His face lit up and so did Cassandra’s. Seeing the magic for Ben made it special to me, as well. Seeing how excited he was and the way he was jumping up and down and screaming made every sacrifice worthwhile.

  He wanted to rip open everything, but Cassandra wanted to watch him, so she made him pace himself. He started with the small presents, and unwrapped some clothes and a few books. As soon as his eyes fell on the big box that had a sheet draped over it, he looked at Cassandra and smiled.

  “Go ahead, baby boy,” she said. She had stressed out about wrapping the large package until I suggested she save her money and just put a sheet over it. He would rip open the paper anyway. He just wanted what was inside. So she put his super hero sheet over it and rested it against the wall. He yanked the sheet away and squealed so loudly I feared m
y eardrums would burst. It was the train table he had been asking for constantly. It had tracks, trains, and cars in it, so he could make his own track for the trains to go on. He spun around and ran to her, throwing himself in her arms and clinging to her.

  “Santa got it, Momma!”

  “I know, baby. You must have been a good boy this year.” He nodded his head so quickly I was afraid he’d give himself whiplash.

  As Ben had been unwrapping everything, Cassandra and I also exchanged a few gifts. She got me a really nice lighter, saying that it sucked that I was smoking, but at least I could smoke with style. I got her a couple of gift cards and an E-reader so she could read more books. When she got up to help Ben open his present, I pulled an envelope from my pocket.

  “Hey, Ben, I’ll help you with your train. Momma has one more present to open.”

  Cassandra turned to me, her eyebrows furrowed. Then she turned and looked under the tree. “There’s nothing else there.”

  “One more thing.”

  “Jax, you bought enough for me already.”

  “This one didn’t cost much.” I handed her the envelope. She looked at it and slowly began to open it. I went over and sat down next to the giant box containing the train set. I opened it, though I kept my eye on Cassandra. When she pulled the paper out, her eyes moved over it quickly. As soon as she finished, her eyes flew to meet mine.

  “That’s too much, Jax.”

  “No it isn’t. You deserve it.” Before she could protest, I went over and covered her mouth with my finger. “Shh, it’s okay. I’ll watch Ben and you can go relax.”

  After lots of hard thinking, I finally came up with the idea to purchase her a spa day. What she really needed wasn’t a material item, it was time to spend time on herself. She would never do this on her own, so I figured I would make her. I had tried to help Cassandra out financially, especially since I made so much money distributing, but she refused. She said she didn’t need me to rescue her, so I did the only thing I could think of