Heartfelt Lies Read online

  I climbed into my car and waved. As I drove away, I watched him disappear into the distance.

  I SMOOTHED MY shirt and knocked on the door. Why was I so fucking nervous? I was meeting a two-year-old, not a Victoria’s Secret model. But this two-year-old held everything in his hand. If he hated me, I knew I’d be kicked to the curb. Cassandra had to put Ben first. I respected that. It was the way it should be. Her son should be first. Always.

  Cassandra opened the door and smiled so wide I thought her cheeks would split open. “Hi. Come in,” she said, opening the door and motioning me in with her hand. I smiled and walked in, seeing Ben on the floor. He had a pile of trains and train tracks on the floor around him. He didn’t even look up at me when I walked in.

  This was a great start.

  I walked over and crouched down beside him. “Hey, buddy. I’m Jax.”

  He finally lookedat me. He had Cassandra’s red hair that was all over the place, and his blue eyes were so much like his mother’s that it stunned me for a minute. I had never really been around kids before and seeing Cassandra so clearly in him was surprising.

  Ben studied me for a few minutes, not responding. I wondered if this was his way of letting me know that I wasn’t welcome. Instead of saying anything to me, he got up and ran right to Cassandra, clinging to her leg. “Ben, can you say hi to Jax?”

  Ben looked at me for a moment longer. “Hi,” he finally said. He had such a small voice. I smiled at him and he seemed to relax a little bit.

  “Can you show Jax your trains?” Cassandra asked. I looked up at her and smiled, grateful for helping me out. I had no idea what to expect, but complete silence was not something I had been prepared for. Ben nodded and came over to me. He sat down and held up a red train.

  “Oh, he’s cool,” I said.

  “James,” Ben said, holding the train closer to me.

  “That’s a cool name.” He picked up a green train.

  “Henry.” I nodded, realizing he was introducing me to all the trains. He picked up a blue train and held it toward me. “Thomas.”

  “Oh, Thomas. I used to watch that show when I was a kid,” I said. A huge smile spread on Ben’s face and he hopped up off the floor. I looked at Cassandra and she shrugged. Ben went over to a rack full of DVDs, searching through it. He yanked out a case and brought it to me. “See?”

  I took the DVD and held it. “That’s so awesome. Do you want to watch Thomas with me?” Ben nodded frantically. “Only if it’s cool with your mom, okay?”

  Ben looked at Cassandra. “Momma, please? Watch Thomas?”

  “Sure, baby. I’ll put it in for you.”

  Cassandra went over and put the DVD in the player. Ben plopped down on the floor next to me and smiled.

  Maybe I couldn’t be counted out yet.

  AS BEN AND I watched the DVD, he laughed a lot during the video and I found myself laughing with him. He was a sweet kid. Throughout the whole thing, he kept a train in each hand. When it was over, he shoved one at me as if he wanted me to play with him. We played for a little bit before I took Ben and Cassie out to dinner. I insisted on paying, though Cassandra was upset. I had to quit my job to come back to college and I hadn’t found a new one yet, but I’d also only been back for two days. Tomorrow was my day to look for one. Today, I was meeting my girlfriend’s son.

  I relaxed a lot as I spent more time with Ben. He didn’t seem to immediately hate me, so that counted as a victory in my book. After we ate, we went to a park for a little while. Cassandra followed him around, making sure he could climb and that he stayed safe. I smiled, watching the two of them together.

  I had never seen myself interested in someone with a kid. It’s not that I disregarded someone with a child; I knew it would be harder to date someone with a kid. Plus, I was young myself. Did I want to step into a role model position? Not so much.

  But watching Cassandra with Ben? The way she lit up around him and the tenderness and love in her eyes? I was totally convinced that seeing someone with a child showed you who they really were. Cassandra was patient and hardly ever raised her voice with Ben, even when he didn’t listen. It’s not that she was a pushover, but she didn’t flip out on the kid if he misbehaved. She got him to listen quickly and then they moved on. It was amazing to watch.

  Cassandra sat on a slide and put Ben in front of her before pushing off. They both slid down, Ben squealing the entire time. Cassandra looked like she was having the time of her life, and not only because she was playing in a park. I loved it. I loved watching her with Ben.

  Cassandra swung Ben up onto her hip and walked toward me, smiling. “It’s time to get him home. He needs a bath and to get to bed.”

  “Sure.”

  We went back to her car and Cassandra buckled Ben in. I had offered to drive, but she didn’t want to have to mess with Ben’s car seat. After Ben was strapped in, we both climbed in the car and she drove us home. I reached over and grabbed her hand, bringing it to my lips and kissing it. She glanced over at me quickly and smiled. She pulled up to a red light and looked in her rearview mirror.

  “He’s asleep,” she said quietly. I turned around and looked. Sure enough, he was passed out.

  “Look at that.”

  “I could tell he was getting tired.” She smiled as she looked at him in the mirror. The look on her face was so tender that my heart swelled. I leaned over, hooked a finger under her chin to turn her face toward me, and kissed her. She melted into me. Kissing her was the best thing ever.

  We got lost in the kiss until a horn sounded behind us. We broke apart and I looked up at the traffic light. Sure enough, it was green. We both burst out laughing. Cassandra drove away, taking us back to her apartment.

  I carried Ben up to her place for her and set him in his bed. She tugged his shoes off and pulled a blanket over him. She smoothed his hair off his face and bent down to kiss his forehead. We both crept out of the room and Cassandra slowly pulled the door shut behind her. Then we both went and collapsed on the couch.

  “Man, that was exhausting,” I said, running a hand through my hair.

  She poked me in the side. “What are you complaining about? I was the one climbing all over the park with him while you sat on a bench.”

  I pushed her down on the couch until I was on top of her and tickling her sides. Her laughter turned to gasps as she fought for breath. I stopped tickling her and looked down at her. Her red hair was fanned out around her and her cheeks were pink from laughing. Her eyes were shining and she was breathing heavily. No matter if I saw her sweaty and covered in grease from work, or dressed up to go out, or flushed from laughing, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I leaned down and kissed her, slowly. Cassie deserved to be savored.

  She wrapped her legs around my waist and pulled my face down hard on hers. Her lips moved frantically, almost as if she was hungry for me. I responded by kissing her back, matching her pace. She made small noises in the back of her throat and it was almost my undoing.

  She arched her back and pressed her breasts up into my chest. I slid my hand up and cupped one of them.

  “Jax,” she said, breathless. She looked up at me and the look in her eyes floored me. Her eyes were full of desire and want and need.

  “What do you need, babe?” I asked, my hand moving down to slide up her shirt. I had an idea of what she wanted, but I wanted her to say it. I wanted to hear her ask me, beg me, for what she wanted. My hand grazed over her stomach and her breath caught in her throat. I pulled the cup of her bra down, popping her breast out, and my thumb moved over her nipple.

  “I want you to touch me.”

  “I’m touching you right now.”

  “More. I need more.”

  I shifted so I could pull her shirt up higher before bending down and taking her nipple in my mouth. She made a strangled noise in her throat, so I lifted my eyes to look at her. I was afraid I had hurt her. “Are you okay?”

  “Don’t stop.”

  I did
n’t have to be told twice. I bent down again, sucking her nipple into my mouth. She ground up into me and made mewling noises in the back of her throat. She was so vocal and responsive that it was killing me. I moved my hand down and unbuttoned her jeans, then slid my hand down into her panties. She bucked up into me and cried out.

  “Shh, babe. You don’t want to wake up Ben.”

  She shook her head furiously and I smirked. I loved that she was frantic and that it was because of me. I went back to touching and licking her. I brought her close before backing off, letting her calm down. She pulled my face away from her breast and crashed our lips together. I kept my hand moving at a steady pace until she couldn’t focus on kissing me anymore, then moved my hand away.

  “Oh, my God, Jax. If you don’t stop doing that, I’m going to kill you.” I chuckled and climbed off her. “Where are you going?” I smiled down at her and grabbed her shorts, sliding them down her legs. I tossed them to the side and then pulled her panties down. Her eyes widened. She didn’t say anything; she lay still, looking up at me. I positioned her so I could kneel between her thighs, and rub my stubbled cheek over the insides of her thighs.

  Bending down, I ran my tongue along the inside of her inner thigh, gently biting the tender flesh. She cried out and grabbed my hair, pulling it hard. It hurt a little, but it was so fucking worth it. It didn’t take long before she exploded calling out my name. It was almost enough to make me lose my shit. Almost.

  She looked down at me, her hooded eyes glazed and sated. A lazy smile curled her lips as she reached down and pulled me up so I was lying next to her. She reached down and undid my jeans.

  “Cassandra,” I said, trying to stop her. I wanted her to continue, I wanted her hands on me so fucking bad, but I didn’t want her to feel like she had to.

  “Shhh,” she said, looking up at me through heavy-lidded eyes. As soon as her hand wrapped around me, I hissed through my teeth. It felt good. Too good. She kissed my neck as her hand moved and I came apart quickly. Embarrassingly quick. I was about to make some excuse that it had been awhile or that I was just too excited, when she looked up at me with such a satisfied look on her face that I pulled her close and kissed her softly. How could I take that away from her?

  We lay down on the couch and she wrapped herself around me, her head against my chest. She fought to catch her breath and I ran my hands lazily over her side and hip. I loved the way she felt pressed up against me, sated and relaxed.

  It felt like falling in love.

  BEING NEAR JAX had always made me want things, but now that I knew what it felt like when he touched me, kissed me, held me, I was addicted. I needed more. As we prepared to leave, I watched Jax. He moved around, helping Ben pick out a few toys to take to his mom’s place. Ben picked a few trains, a few super hero action figures, his favorite stuffed bear, and a coloring book with crayons.

  Even though they had just met, the two of them had an easy relationship. Ben followed Jax around everywhere and watched him like he was some kind of hero. Maybe in Ben’s eyes, Jax was a hero. He hadn’t had a lot of male figures in his life. Maybe he was taking in everything Jax did. At least Jax was a good role model for him.

  We were leaving to go to Jax’s mom’s place in a few minutes and I was a nervous wreck. Since I didn’t know where his mom lived, he came over this morning to pick us up.

  Once we were loaded in the car and Jax pulled out of the parking lot, the nerves descended in full force. My stomach felt as if it was being clawed at, and my heart was beating so hard that I felt it against my ribcage.

  I had an hour to go before we even got to our destination. At this rate, I would be insane. Or at the very least, I’d pass out. Maybe that was a better option.

  Almost as if he could read my mind, Jax reached over and grabbed my hand. “It’ll be fine. They’ll love you.”

  I nodded, though how could I believe him? There were so many things that could go wrong. I couldn’t think about it any longer.

  After what felt like an eternity, we pulled up outside an apartment building. Jax smiled and climbed out, then went around and grabbed Ben. I sat there, wringing my hands. I took a few deep breaths and chanted I can do this. I can do this. I got out of the car and followed Jax, who was holding Ben. I was thankful he was giving me a minute to get my shit together because, currently, I was falling apart.

  We walked inside and up a couple flights of stairs, Jax chatting happily to Ben, who occasionally answered. We stopped outside a black door with the number 302 on it. I took a few more breaths, trying to keep from puking. The door opened and Jax and Ben were enveloped in arms and fussed over immediately. I stood back, staring.

  The woman who had her arm around Jax looked older, like she had seen a lot of hardship in life. She had long blond hair that hung down her back, and dark green eyes. Her eyes were friendly and the smile that lit up her face made her look even friendlier. She was tall and beautiful, even with the lines etched on her face. I could immediately see Jax in her eyes and her smile. Her eyes swung to me and her smile widened.

  “Who’s this, Jax?” she asked.

  “Mom, this is my girlfriend, Cassandra,” he said, proudly. My heart skipped a beat when he said girlfriend. His mom came over and wrapped me in her arms.

  “It’s so nice to meet you, Cassandra. I’m Leslie.”

  “It’s nice to meet you. Please, call me Cassie. Your son refuses.”

  She laughed and the tone of it was warm and rich. “Oh, Jax. You are such a stubborn ox.”

  Jax shrugged and walked into the apartment with Ben. I heard another female screech and make a fuss over Ben. Leslie kept her arm around me. “I’ve heard so much about you, Cassie.”

  “Hopefully good things.”

  “Great things, honey. You seem to have really captured my son.” She smiled and it was so warm and welcoming. My nerves died down. I returned her smile and she ushered us into the apartment. A girl that looked just like Jax was fussing over Ben, tickling him. Ben wiggled and laughed, clearly enjoying himself.

  I should have known that the family Jax came from would be nothing but accepting and loving.

  I caught the girl’s eye and she looked up at me, beaming. She had the same long blond hair that her mother had and bright green eyes. She looked equally inviting and friendly. Then it hit me. She was the girl that always came into the diner with Jax. “Hi, Cassandra,” she said. She walked over and hugged me. “I’m Ry, Jax’s sister.”

  “Hi,” I said. A man came up behind Ry and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. He was cute with dirty blond hair and blue eyes. He was taller than Ry and almost as tall as Jax. He was with Jax when he came in as well.

  “I’m Will. It’s great to meet you.”

  “Cassie.”

  “Cassie?” Ry asked.

  “Yeah, everyone calls me Cassie but Jax.”

  Ry laughed. “Leave it to you, Jax.”

  We all sat down and Ben climbed into my lap. Jax quietly handed him a little wrapped package as he sat down. Ben squealed in excitement and ripped it open. It was another train that Ben was missing. “Jax, you didn’t have to do that,” I whispered, hoping to not interrupt the conversation Ry and Leslie were having.

  “I wanted to.” He leaned over and kissed me softly, so softly my heart melted.

  It was only when he pulled away and brushed his thumb over my lips that I noticed how quiet the room had gotten. Looking up, I realized that everyone was looking at me, watching the two of us. When Jax turned and looked at them, his eyebrows raised, everyone went back to talking and I watched Ben as he moved the train over the furniture. Jax reached out and held my hand, giving me a small smile before turning back and talking to his sister. Ben pulled out a super hero and plopped him on top of a train and had them race around the living room. Leslie watched Ben, smiling, though she seemed melancholy. Something about the look in her eyes as she watched Ben seemed sad and full of regret. I wondered why. She looked over at me.

  “He�
�s sweet, Cassie,” she said.

  “Thank you. I think so, too.”

  “You’ve done a great job raising him.”

  “Thanks.” All of her praise made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t used to it. Sure, Maria told me that she felt I did a great job with Ben, but there was no one else. I didn’t have a mother in my life to say those things and I didn’t have family around to say anything.

  Suddenly, I felt incredibly alone. It didn’t matter that I had Jax or that I was with his family. I didn’t have my mom or my little sister and I probably never would. I looked down in my lap, staring at the hand that Jax was holding, trying to convince myself that this was enough. Having my son and a man in my life that I was falling hard for . . . that had to be enough. I couldn’t change the past. I couldn’t make my family want me back in their lives.

  All I could do was continue moving forward with my own.

  Leslie stood up. “I’m going to go finish up the food and then we can eat.”

  “I’ll help,” Ry said, hopping up to go help her. Leslie smiled at her and went into the kitchen.

  I let go of Jax’s hand. “I’m going to go help out in the kitchen.”

  “Okay, babe,” he said, smiling at me. I stood and went into the kitchen. Leslie was pulling something out of the oven and Ry was setting the table on the other side of the room. I went over and picked up the silverware, helping her.

  “You don’t have to help, Cassie. You’re the guest of honor,” Ry said.

  “No, I want to. Jax and Will were talking about some new video game. I’d rather be useful.”

  Ry laughed. “Those two will never change. They used to spend hours every day playing video games together.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, that was their first real bonding experience.” Ry got quiet and looked thoughtful. “No, I guess it was giving me a hard time and laser tag. Laser tag is the same as video games, right? You shoot stuff.”