Heartfelt Lies Page 4

  “Thanks. She’s my baby. My dad gave it to me on my sixteenth birthday; it was the last present he ever gave me.” It was a metallic blue Dodge Ram with an extended cab. It had a turbo diesel six-cylinder engine. This truck had been with me through everything.

  Cassandra groaned. “God, not a guy who’s in love with his vehicle.”

  “I’m not in love with her. She’s a good truck.”

  “You keep referring to your truck as a girl. That’s ridiculous.”

  I stroked the dashboard, more to stir her up than in actual affection for the truck. “It’s okay, baby. Cassandra is just jealous.” I smirked at her.

  “Jax, you’re ridiculous!”

  I laughed. “I was just messing with you. I’m not in love with the truck, though it’s a good truck.

  She lightly slapped my arm. “You’re too much.”

  I smirked again and pulled out of the parking space. During the short drive to the stable, we talked as though we hadn’t texted every day. Usually it was at night when she was in bed and periodically throughout the day, but we still talked a lot. She worked five days a week and had two double shifts as well. She seemed to work a lot for a single girl, but I didn’t ask too many questions. When she wanted to tell me, she’d open up.

  I pulled up outside the stable and turned the truck off. She looked at me questioningly. “What are we doing at a barn, Jax?”

  “Well, Cassandra, I’m taking you to muck out stalls. I thought that’d be a great first official date.” Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. I relished her distress for a few more seconds before hopping out of the truck and walking around to help her down. My truck was lifted, so it was a big step down. She still looked stunned and I smiled. She was too gullible. “We’re not mucking out stalls. That would be a really bad date.”

  She let out a relieved breath. “Then what are we doing here?”

  I led her toward the barn. “We’re going horseback riding.”

  She squealed and jumped on me, wrapping her arms around my neck. “That’s perfect, Jax! Oh, I’m so excited!”

  I chuckled and wrapped my arms around her waist, taking advantage of her closeness. “I’m glad.”

  Inside the barn, we were met by Margie, who would take us out on the trails. Cassandra was given a beautiful black and white mare named Kit to ride. She rubbed the horse affectionately and listened to all the instructions Margie gave her. Cassandra stayed with Kit, petting her and getting comfortable while Margie took me over to the horse I would be riding. It was a giant black gelding named Demon.

  “Is there a reason his name is Demon?” I asked. Not an omen, right?

  “Because he was one hell of a tough horse to train, but now he’s one of the best horses we have,” she said, stroking his nose and then patting his neck. I eyed him warily. I hadn’t been nervous about this adventure until I ended up with a black beast named Demon, but I couldn’t let on to Cassandra.

  We climbed onto the saddles and followed Margie out through the wide barn doors. Our ride started with a sedate walk through woods that bordered the property. Cassandra remarked on everything we saw and how beautiful everything was. Margie pointed out all the different animal pens as we passed on our way to the trail. I was in awe, watching the way Cassandra lit up and loved every second of it. She kept looking over at me, a huge smile on her face. She seemed completely enraptured and I couldn’t help my satisfaction that I had made her feel that way. I wanted to always make her feel that way.

  We reached a cliff that overlooked a large lake. There was a small grove of trees over to the side that had a picnic blanket and basket set up. Cassandra’s eyes widened as she saw it and she peered at me. I dismounted and walked over to her, helping her down. Margie grabbed the reins from our horses.

  “I’ll be back in about an hour to lead you back to the stable,” she said before turning and leaving. I grabbed Cassandra’s hand and led her to the picnic blanket.

  “I figured you might be hungry,” I said, nervous again.

  “This is perfect, Jax. I have no words.”

  I smiled. “I’m glad you like it.”

  “Like it? I love it. This is so sweet. Thank you so much.”

  “You’re welcome.” I opened the picnic basket and pulled out the sandwiches, watermelon, chips, and potato salad. For a fee, the employees at the stable had set up the area and packed the picnic basket for me. Seeing Cassandra’s reaction made it completely worth a little extra money.

  I set out the paper plates, then pulled out the food and grabbed the bottled water from the basket. I unwrapped my sandwich and started eating it while Cassandra stared at me. When she continued to stare and ignored the food in front of her, I put my sandwich down. “What’s wrong?”

  “You’re different than I thought you would be. When I first met you, you came across as cocky and I was afraid you might treat me like a booty call or something. But after talking to you so much, I realize you’re not that person. I’m glad I was wrong.”

  “You are anything but a booty call, Cassandra. You’re beautiful and intelligent and I’m having fun spending time with you and getting to know you.” Tears filled her eyes and I was afraid I had said something wrong. Should I have been an asshole and told her I only wanted to fuck her? That was a total lie, but I didn’t want to make her cry. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “You’re not upsetting me. I’m just . . . It’s been a long time since someone has cared enough about me to do these kinds of things for me. It’s sweet.”

  “You deserve it.”

  “I feel you should know something before this goes any farther.”

  I quirked up an eyebrow. Was this where she told me she had a boyfriend? “Sure.”

  “Well . . . God, this isn’t easy.” She ran a hand through her hair and tugged on it slightly. Whatever it was made her nervous. “I have a son, Jax.”

  My brows furrowed as I looked at her. A son? Everything made sense now. Working all the hours, not wanting me to go to her house, her only being able to text after eight at night. I smiled. “That’s cool.”

  “Cool?”

  “Yeah. What’s his name?”

  She blinked a couple times as though she didn’t believe me. “His name’s Ben. He’s two.” She continued staring at me a few seconds. “You aren’t upset?”

  “Why would I be upset? Because you have a kid? So what?”

  “I’m a package deal, though. If you don’t like my son, I can’t date you.”

  “I understand.”

  “It’ll be harder to plan dates because I have to work and I have to make sure I have someone to watch him.”

  “We’ll figure it out.”

  “He has to be my first priority.”

  “As he should be.”

  “I don’t want you to meet him yet. It’ll probably be awhile before I introduce you two. I don’t want to parade guys through his life and confuse him.”

  “No problem. I think that’s a smart decision.” She looked like she was thinking hard, her eyes narrowed. It sounded like she was giving me a list of reasons why I shouldn’t date her, but really, it just made me more interested in her. Instead of letting her think she could convince me to leave, I decided to ask her more questions about him, wanting her to know I was interested in this part of her life. “What’s he like?”

  She blinked hard, like she was expecting me to disappear. “He’s sweet and totally obsessed with trains. He’s quiet most of the time, though he’s slowly starting to open up. He loves playing in the dirt, especially if it’s with trains. He’s usually a pretty easygoing kid.”

  “He sounds awesome, just like his mom.”

  She blushed and lowered her eyes. “Why are you being so understanding about this?”

  “What did you expect? Me to flip out and tell you to leave?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why would I do that?” I leaned over and grabbed her hand. “I like you, Cassandra. I’m incredibly intereste
d in you. I don’t see you having a son as an obstacle or a problem, I look at it as being part of who you are. You’re a mom and I respect that.”

  “You’re too sweet to me.”

  “Hopefully enough to keep you interested in me.”

  “I am interested in you,” she said, throwing a chunk of bread at me. We ate for a while in silence. She seemed to be processing my reaction because she studied my face as she slowly chewed her sandwich.

  There was one question eating me alive, though. I needed to know the answer before I jumped feet first into this situation with her. “What about his dad? Is he in the picture?” This was a purely selfish question. I didn’t want to share Cassandra with him, even if they had a child together. I didn’t want to invest time in a relationship with her if there was a possibility of him showing up and stealing her away.

  I wanted her to be mine and I’d fight hard to keep her.

  She looked down at her plate. “He’s not in the picture at all.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, he signed his rights away as soon as Ben was born.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah. He said he hadn’t asked for a baby and he had no interest in being a dad. So it’s just me and Ben.”

  “I’m sorry, Cassandra. That sucks.”

  “It does, but I make the most of it.”

  “That you do.”

  “Can I ask you a question now?”

  “Sure.”

  “Why do you call me Cassandra instead of Cassie?”

  “Because the name Cassandra is beautiful, just like you.”

  She blushed again and it felt as though I had won a victory. As if this was the beginning of something amazing. I was totally ready for it.

  AFTER LEAVING JAX behind in the bridal suite I rushed down the hall, pushed through the bathroom door, and rushed to the sink. I felt sick and my heart was shattering in my chest. I braced my hands on the vanity and gulped in deep breaths to control my breathing, my tears, my heart, my mind. Everything was out of control, just like it was when Jax walked into my life all those years ago.

  This time it had to be different. I’d waited for him to come back. I waited years, but he never did. After the first year, I started to give up hope. After two years, my hope shriveled up. Now, after five years, I had managed to piece my life back together, at least a little bit. I was getting married; Ben had a father figure; I had a good job. I was finally moving on with my life.

  And of course, the selfish asshole chose today to show up.

  Tears stung my eyes and I blinked, trying to hold them back. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t fall apart. My family and friends were waiting, and so was Nolan.

  God, Nolan. It would kill him if he knew Jax showed up today. As much as Nolan tried to make it seem as if he wasn’t threatened by Jax, I knew he was. I think deep down he understood that I still loved Jax. I fought that feeling, hard. Hence, today’s wedding.

  I did love Nolan. He had been my best friend growing up but I lost touch with him when we both went away to college. I missed him, but it was better to move on with my life. When we reconnected, we settled back into our easy friendship, even though it became clear that Nolan had deeper feelings for me than I had for him. I was still so hung up on Jax that I couldn’t see Nolan. Hell, I couldn’t see anyone. But as time moved on and the sharp pain of losing Jax became a dull ache, I realized what a good man Nolan was. He was sweet and kind. And stable. He loved Ben as though he were his own.

  So, as time moved on we slipped into a relationship. It was comfortable and nice to be with someone again. The loneliness subsided and I was able to push Jax from my mind. I loved Nolan. He was so great to me and Ben, but I never really felt like I was in love with him. As we became more serious, he asked us to move in with him. I wanted to say no, but Ben was so excited. He finally felt like someone wanted to be his dad, so I moved in with Nolan. Things stayed comfortable. We never fought and we got along great.

  When Nolan proposed to me on my birthday in front of my family, I couldn’t turn him down. Not with the way Ben bounced around so excitedly and my mom cried. I was shocked and thrilled when Roxie reached out to me five years ago. Things had finally smoothed over between all of us. I didn’t want to let my mom down anymore. SO I smiled and let him slip the ring on my finger. I swallowed my doubts and continued on, pretending to feel things for Nolan that I didn’t really feel.

  And I hated it. I hated that I couldn’t bring myself to love Nolan the way I wanted to. I wanted to be swept off my feet by him. He brought home flowers several times a week and indulged my love of ice cream by running out and getting it for me no matter what time it was. If I had a hard day at work, he rubbed my sore feet and back. He was always so sweet and thoughtful. He went to all Ben’s soccer games and played with him for hours. He didn’t care that Ben wasn’t biologically his son; he loved him all the same.

  If I could love Nolan completely, our life would be good. Ben and I would never want for anything and he would take good care of us. But I didn’t love him that way. I had been talking myself out of running away all day. Seeing Jax just made it harder to fight the urge. Doubt crept in and threatened to drown me.

  I pictured Jax standing in front of me with piercing green eyes and his same nut-brown hair messy from his hands. His eyes were clear today, no signs of being on anything. He had filled out more, gaining a little weight and muscle. His chin was covered in stubble, and it only added to his appeal. I raised my fingers to my lips and touched them. It felt like his were still on mine. I hadn’t been kissed like that in years. Really, since the last time he kissed me. I had never felt that much passion and desire in a kiss. Except with Jax.

  But I was engaged. I had a good man waiting for me upstairs. He had been here for me for years, when Jax had failed to come.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, not knowing what to do. Part of me wanted to go find Jax and tell him I loved him. Tell him I still ached for his arms to hold me at night, and that every time Nolan kissed me, I missed the fire that had always been present between me and Jax. The other part of me, the part I should listen to, whispered I should go upstairs, say my vows, become Mrs. Nolan Brown, and forget about Jax Morgan.

  Tears escaped. I nearly crumpled at the thought.

  Someone knocked at the door and poked their head in. It was my sister, Roxie. As soon as she saw me crying, she came inside and pulled me into a hug.

  “You can’t cry. You’ll ruin your makeup!” she joked. Roxie looked like a younger version of me. Her eyes were more green than blue and her hair was more strawberry blonde than red, but other than that, we could be twins. She was the same height, weight, and build as me. Dressed in her deep purple Maid of Honor dress, she was stunning.

  “Did you see him?”

  “Who? Nolan? He’s upstairs waiting, like everyone else. The ceremony was supposed to start ten minutes ago. And Ben is upstairs waiting to walk you down the aisle.”

  I smiled, thinking about Ben. He looked adorable in his tux, and so grown up, especially for a seven year old. “No, Jax.”

  “Jax?” She pulled away from me, holding my upper arms.

  “He was just here.”

  “What?” she screeched.

  “Yeah.”

  “What happened?”

  I grabbed a paper towel and turned toward the mirror, wiping away the tears without ruining my makeup. I couldn’t look at her when I told her. “He came into the room and begged me not to get married. He said he still loved me.” I braced myself for her reaction. “We kissed.”

  “What?!” she practically yelled. She spun me around and gripped my shoulders. I wasn’t sure if it was to keep me from crumbling to the floor or to shake sense into me. “Then what happened?”

  “I told him I was getting married and to leave.” Tears stung my eyes again and my chin wobbled, thinking of the devastated look on Jax’s face when I told him to leave.

  “Oh, Cassie,” she said, pulling me back to her. I
bit my lip and fought more tears. “Did he leave?”

  “He refused, so I left.”

  “You can still back out. You don’t have to go through with this.”

  “Now you’re taking Jax’s side?”

  “No, I’m on your side. You aren’t supposed to marry Nolan.”

  “What the fuck does that mean, Roxie?”

  “It means you aren’t supposed to marry him. You don’t love him, Cassie.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “I do love him.”

  “You aren’t in love with him.”

  The truth of her words struck me. “I do love him.”

  She cocked an eyebrow at me. “Oh, yeah? Then why are you in here crying over your ex instead of standing on that altar marrying the supposed love of your life?”

  I threw the paper towel away, shoved past her, and left the bathroom. I’d be damned if she was going to tell me I was a making a mistake, even if it felt like one in my heart. Before I could reach the stairs that would take me up to the sanctuary, Roxie stopped me by pulling on my arm.

  “You still love him,” she said, her eyes full of pity. I wanted to stamp that pity out of her.

  “I’m not changing my whole life around for Jaxon Morgan.”

  “Marrying someone you don’t love is a mistake.”

  “I’m standing here in a wedding dress.”

  “So?”

  “What about the money we spent on the church, the reception, food, flowers?”

  “Would you rather lose the money or yourself?”

  “I’m not losing myself. I’m doing what’s best.”

  “Best for who?”

  “For Ben. Me. Nolan.”

  Roxie stared at me for a long moment. She had a way of knowing the truth, even if you were hiding it from yourself. She knew I was marrying Nolan for all the wrong reasons and that my heart walked out of the church with Jax. I’d be damned if I handed it all back to someone who wouldn’t value me again. I may love Jax still, but I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t lose myself in his struggles. Finally, Roxie spoke. And as usual, her words struck home. “This is the question and no one can answer it but you: Will you live with regret for the rest of your life if you marry Nolan? Will you regret letting Jax walk out of your life? Will you be happy with mediocre when you could have fucking amazing?”