Heartfelt Lies Page 8
“Not as amazing as you are.”
She blushed slightly and lowered her gaze. “I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life.”
I cradled her face in my hand, guiding her face up so I could look into her eyes. “You’ll never have to find out, I hope.”
A sexy smile curled up lips upward. “I hope so, too.” She rested her head against my chest and I continued pushing Ben with my free hand. I felt so serene with Cassandra, as if I was where I belonged. I wasn’t sure if anyone could be better than her. I was being honest when I said I didn’t want to be without her. I felt like a part of her soul completed my own. Something that had been missing from inside me was filled by her and I was afraid that if she left, not only would I be missing part of my soul, but my heart as well. She held it firmly in her palm.
We hung out at the park for another twenty minutes before we had to get Ben back for his nap. I kissed her firmly, telling her to text me with the hours she had to work the following week and then I’d coordinate with Maria to make sure Ben was always with someone. I would probably have to miss classes, but it would be worth it.
Cassandra was the only thing that mattered.
We spent the afternoon hanging around the apartment. I played with Ben, and Cassandra ended up cleaning. Once Ben was in bed, she cleaned the kitchen. I watched her while we talked about random stuff. It amazed me that we never ran out of things to say. And I liked listening to her talk. I could listen to her about anything and be content.
Her hands were in the sink and the urge to touch her, kiss her, feel her was overwhelming. I moved behind her and shifted her hair off her neck and kissed the smooth skin there. I slid my hands around the front of her body and continued nibbling and kissing her neck. Her body almost immediately melted into me. She hummed in the back of her throat and she stopped cleaning the dishes. She leaned back and opened her neck further to me. I smiled and took advantage. I kissed down to her shoulder and she shivered. I chuckled and moved my hands higher, brushing my fingers over her nipple.
“Jax,” she breathed and she pressed her breast into my hand. I didn’t say anything, just continued to kiss her neck and touch her softly. “That feels good.”
“Good,” I said. I moved higher and kissed behind her ear and her entire body convulsed. I slid my hands down and then up her shirt, cupping her over her bra.
“You’re killing me.”
I chuckled. I was killing her, but her hands were still on the edge of the sink and she was like a limp rag doll in my arms. After a few minutes of kissing and touching, I slid a hand lower and unbuttoned her jeans before slipping my hand lower. In anticipation of me touching her, she opened her legs farther to give me better access. “Anxious?”
“Please, Jax.” I liked the sound of her pleading so I touched her lightly, just brushing my finger over her. She cried out. We had fooled around some, well, a lot, and I never got tired of touching and exploring her body. It was amazingly sexy watching and hearing her come undone just from my touch, kiss, or tongue.
I pulled her tighter against me and slid my finger inside her. Her breathing got heavier and I could tell just the touch of my finger was enough to send her over the edge. I didn’t want to let her off that easily. I turned her toward me and kissed her deeply, holding her close to me by cupping her ass in my hands. She wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her fingers in my hair. I carried her to her bedroom. The things I wanted to do to her would be difficult to accomplish in the kitchen.
We kissed, stumbling and laughing the entire way back to her bedroom. I kept my hands on her ass and her fingers were still in my hair. My lips were always touching her. She moaned, breathed, and giggled. I wanted to eat her alive.
I slowly undressed her, taking in each part of her exposed body as though she was my own personal present. In every way, she was. There was not a part of her that I didn’t desire, love, want, need. When her shirt and shorts were off, she crawled onto the bed and tried to cover herself with a blanket.
“Stop. Don’t hide from me,” I said, my eyes still raking over her body.
She looked down at her own body. “But I’m not attractive.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked, my eyes meeting hers.
“I have stretch marks and a pooch from being pregnant and my boobs sag a little and . . .” I covered her lips with my finger.
“You are the most stunningly beautiful woman I have ever seen in my entire life. I love your red hair and how fucking hot it looks splayed over the sheets and the way your body fits against mine. I love your eyes and your smile and your body. God,” I said, looking over her body again. I didn’t see stretch marks or extra skin or any of that shit. I saw the body of someone I always wanted and who I loved. I paused, realizing that I did love her. I was willing to change my entire life around for her and put my own plans on hold just so she could do what she needed or wanted to do. I would do anything for her. Ever. “I love everything about you because they make you you.” I moved so my body was on top of hers and held her face in my hands so she could see how sincere I was. “I love you, Cassandra.”
Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes widened. She pulled me down to her and kissed me. The kiss was frantic, desperate, full of passion, and I couldn’t keep up. Her hands were everywhere as she stripped my clothes off me and writhed against me. When we were both naked, lying chest to chest, she pulled away and slowed down. I could feel her wetness against me and I really couldn’t think of anything but sliding inside her and making her forget everything but me. I moved my hips a little, feeling the way I dragged against her, and her eyes rolled back in her head. I moved a few more times, loving her reaction. She grabbed my ass and stopped me, then looked up into my eyes. “I love you, Jaxon. So damned much.”
I smiled at her, feeling my heart expanding in my chest with her words. “I love you, too.” I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers again.
“I want you inside of me,” she said. Her eyes were full of lust and desire and love and, holy shit, it was all directed at me. “I want to feel you filling me and claiming me and making me yours, Jax.”
“Let me grab a condom,” I said. I didn’t want to move from the warm wetness of her body. I moved my hips again, feeling her. Her hands were still on my ass and the feeling was sublime. The best feeling in the world.
“I have an IUD. I haven’t been with anyone since I got pregnant.”
My brain tried to compute every damned word she just said. She wanted me inside her without a condom? Nothing between us? Holy. Fucking. Shit. I couldn’t contain myself. I had never been with anyone without a condom. But I wanted to be with her without anything between us so badly I ached. I ached bad.
I didn’t ask any questions, I just moved my hips back and lined myself up, slowly sliding inside her. She moaned and her head pressed back against the pillows.
This was the best feeling in the world.
I slid in and out of her, feeling every inch of her, and watched her face. She was writhing and moaning and begging me to move faster, to give her more, but I couldn’t. I was barely keeping myself in check. I was going to embarrass myself again if I wasn’t careful. After all these years that she’d gone without sex, I wanted to make this the best she’d ever had. I wanted to cement myself in her memory and in her body as the best so she’d never want to move on from me.
So I moved agonizingly slowly as I cupped her breast and touched every inch of skin I could. I took her slowly and gently, showing her how amazing slow could be. Demonstrating that I could take my time and explore her body and proving how fucking amazing it was to be together this way.
Then I moved faster, pinching her nipple and nipping her neck. Enough to give her a little bit of a shock, but not so much that it hurt. I brought her over the edge, finally, this way. I almost lost my shit feeling her convulse around me, but I held it together. I watched her come undone and the way her eyes got soft.
Then I moved even faster. Word
s came out of her mouth that I never expected to hear.
“Jax, fuck me. Please. Fuck me.”
She looked at me, her eyes so full of desire, her eyelids low, and I obliged. I fucked her as though I couldn’t get enough of her. And I couldn’t. She came undone again, and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I let go with her.
Afterward, she traced lazy circles over my back as I caught my breath with my face nuzzled in her neck. When I finally got my body to cooperate, I moved to the side and pulled her in close.
“Did you mean it?” she asked, her voice small.
“What?” I couldn’t fully think. I was so blown away with how fucking sexy she was and how fucking good that was.
“That you love me.”
I propped myself up on my elbow so I could look down at her. Her skin was glowing and her cheeks were still a little flushed. Her eyes were still glazed over from how turned on she was and her hair was strewn everywhere. “Cassandra, I will never tell you what I think you want to hear. I love you so damned much that I can’t think of anything else. I love you and I love Ben. He’s part of you and, as I said, I love every part of you.”
A lazy yet really happy smile spread over her face. “I love you.”
I lay down next to her and held her. Before I knew it, her breathing got slower and deeper. Then I followed her into sleep.
I HAD BEEN curled up on my bed for three whole days. I wasn’t there for Ben. I was a mess. A complete and utter mess. I cried nonstop and my heart was broken. I hadn’t lost just one person I loved, I lost two. I hated that I left Nolan. I hated that I pushed Jax away.
Clearly I needed my head checked.
Thank God for my sister and mother. They were picking up my slack when it came to Ben. They were making sure he was taken care of and taken to day camp while they were at work. No questions were asked and no grief given over my running away from Nolan. Nothing was said about me being back home with my mother. At twenty-six. I felt completely pathetic. I had left a good man at the altar, completely disrupted my son’s life, kissed someone other than the person I was engaged to, and became weak.
I hated who I was right at that moment. I was a weak, spineless woman and I wanted to kick my own ass, but first I wanted to wallow in self-pity.
And I was doing a damned good job.
My mom had left for work and she was dropping Ben off at summer camp. Since I was supposed to be on my honeymoon right now, I didn’t have to worry about going back to work. Instead, I spent the time I should have been in Hawaii in a darkened room buried deep in my blankets, alternating between crying and sleeping. My mom brought me food and water when she was home. The only time I got out of bed was to go to the bathroom.
I had crossed the line from weak to pathetic. No, not just pathetic. Fucking pathetic.
“Are you still in fucking bed?” Roxie said from behind me somewhere. I couldn’t see above the blankets.
“Go away, Roxie.”
“No, this is ridiculous. You’re acting like your life is over.”
“It is fucking over. Just leave me alone.”
She grabbed the bottom of the blankets and yanked, exposing me to the cool air. I scrambled, trying to get them back.
“I will not leave you fucking alone. I’m here to stage a stench intervention, Cassie. Your lazy ass is getting out of bed and getting a shower. Then, you and I are going to get lunch and you are going to tell me why you are being such a fucking twat.”
“I am not leaving the house.” I sat up on the bed and tucked my legs underneath me.
“Fucking hell, Cass. You aren’t dead. Ben isn’t dead. What is your problem?” She crossed her arms over her chest and raised her eyebrows. “Or did something happen that you haven’t told me? Have we died and we’ve crossed to the other side? Are you Ghost Cassie?”
I tried to fight back a smile. “No. Don’t be an ass.”
“I’d stop being an ass if you stopped smelling like one.”
“Fine. I’ll take a shower.” I climbed off the bed and stomped to my bag, pulling clean clothes out. This was meant to be my luggage for the honeymoon. My mom had grabbed it and brought it here from Nolan’s. I had put on a pair of pajamas and crawled into bed and hadn’t changed since. I still had a lot of options.
“No, not another pair of pajamas. Something you can leave this house in.”
“I’m not going with you!” I yelled, turning toward her.
“Why the fuck not? What are you mourning? What are you beating yourself up over?”
“I broke Nolan’s fucking heart, Roxie! I tore it out of his chest! Did you see his face when I said I couldn’t marry him? He looked like I had crushed him. I should wither away and die. He was a good man. And Ben loved Nolan. Nolan has been like a dad to him for three fucking years and I just ripped that away from him. I’m the world’s shittiest mom. Not only that, but after I tore apart his whole family, I abandoned him when he was already confused. God, I’m such a fucking mess.” Hot, angry tears spilled down my cheeks as I yelled at Roxie. I wiped at my cheeks, mad that I was crying. Mad that I was showing how weak I really felt inside. I had so many emotions swirling inside me that I didn’t know what to do. Fear, regret, guilt, love, uncertainty, hope, sadness. I didn’t know where to go from here. Without my consent, more words spilled from me.
Roxie walked over and took me in her arms. “Cassie.” She held me while I cried. The tears weren’t really sad tears, more angry and frustrated. I had kept all my emotions locked inside and now they were spilling out. “It’s understandable that you’re a mess. I think most people would be a mess after leaving someone at the altar, but you can’t let it stop you. You have a little boy who is relying on you to pick up the pieces. He needs you to show him that everything will be okay.”
“He probably hates me right now.”
“He doesn’t. He’s confused, sure, and he doesn’t understand why you walked away from Nolan.” She chuckled. “In fact, he’s been surprisingly okay. I think you have given yourself too much credit, sis. You’re not strong enough to destroy that little boy’s life. He’s pretty damned resilient.” She pulled away from me and held me by the shoulders. “Kind of like someone else I know.”
A small smile graced my lips before falling away. “Stop. It’s really hard to be a mess when you’re so awesome.”
Roxie laughed. “What can I say? It’s not easy to be this fucking awesome.” She turned me toward the door and shoved me lightly. “Go get a shower. You fucking stink. You can vent to me over lunch. Deal?”
“Fine.” I did feel a little better. Hopefully a shower would help even more.
ROXIE AND I were sitting at a table in one of her favorite restaurants. It was a fancier place. She said we had to come here so I could get some alcohol to help wash away my stupidity.
Leave it to Roxie to lay it on the table for me.
I drank my strawberry margarita, perhaps a little too quickly, especially since I hadn’t eaten anything yet. Roxie had one too, but she wisely sipped hers.
“So, let’s get this all out in the open,” Roxie said. She sat back in the booth, leveling me with her stare. “I’m giving you the floor. Vent away.”
“I kind of said everything I needed to say.”
“Bullshit,” she said, probably too loudly. She attracted a lot of attention to our table. In true Roxie style, she didn’t hold back punches. “You’re a mess over there. You look like you’re barely holding it together.”
I sighed. “I feel like I’m barely holding it together.” I picked up my napkin and ripped it into little pieces, both to keep my hands busy and to avoid looking at Roxie. She had the ability to look inside me and tell when I was lying or holding back.
She leaned forward and put her hand on top of mine, stilling my motion. I lifted my gaze to her, and the concern on her face made the tears fall again. “Cassie, this is me. I’m here for you. No matter what. Please, just talk to me.”
“I hate what I’ve done to Nolan.”
“Honestly? I don’t know. Would I have been miserable with him?”
“Cassie, don’t. You’re making things something they aren’t. You weren’t in love with Nolan. He didn’t make your knees weak or your heart race. He was the safe choice.”
I nodded and bit my lip, wishing the fucking tears would stop. I hated that I was crying over Nolan. But really, it wasn’t just Nolan. It was everything. It was the complete mess I had made of my life while trying to pick up the pieces Jax had left behind. I thought he had really messed everything up, but really, I had. I’d purposefully ignored the signs that something was wrong with Jax years ago because I was so ready for the reality I thought he promised. And by ignoring all the signs, I had successfully brought not only him, but myself down. “Nolan was comfortable. Safe. But really, I wasn’t completely happy with him. How could I go from feeling what I felt with Jax to feeling next to nothing for Nolan?”
“I told you when you started dating him that it was a mistake, but you told me to shut up.”
“And surprisingly, you listened to me.” We both laughed. The waitress came and set down our food. “Ben really isn’t mad at me?”
“No, he’s confused right now, but he’ll be fine. He just wants his mom back.”
“I’m sorry, Roxie.”
She pointed a breadstick at me. “Don’t you apologize to me, Cassie. Don’t even start.”
We ate in silence awhile. I was lost in my thoughts. What really bothered me was that I had to talk to Nolan and tell him it was really and truly over. I needed to talk to Ben about what happened, and I had to deal with everything that was going on with Jax. Doubt had wriggled its way into my mind. Had I completely ruined everything with Jax? Was there even anything left to have with Jax? I shouldn’t even be considering a future with him after everything that happened before.
“He still loves you,” Roxie said. Startled, I looked up at her.